Trinity of Compassion: Courage, Wisdom, Power
Compassion is a conscious willingness to 1) endure with another their suffering, and then 2) to alleviate the suffering by using the most appropriate means possible, and 3) in ways that preserve the dignity of all involved (meaning you need to have an ethical position about how to be in relationship — for more on this, listen to Thupten Jinpa). Which means that compassion is neither an emotion, nor a behaviourial trait, nor an intention.
From this description, I hope it is evident that it takes:
Only when all three are activated at the same time may we truly contribute to the well-being and flourishing of another human being. Very quickly, let’s dive a little deeper into what I’ve learnt (measurable in tears, therapy sessions, relationships pushed to the brink) is needed to activate each of these elements.
Courage (Heart)
Why does one fear? For me, I've come to answer this question this way, "because of all the possible futures there could be, my attention is focussed on the one that is most likely to cause me the greatest pain, as it is believed that pain avoidance is something the human race has evolved to avoid at great costs." And make no mistake that to companion another in their pain is invariably to feel the pain as if it's our own. Antidote? "Emergency" mindfulness.
Not of the “being calm in the eye of the storm” variety, which was my specialty even without mindfulness, for it is essentially being very good at putting up a facade that does not reflect the emotional turmoil raging inside. (PS. In no way am I suggesting that this is ‘bad’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘wrong’). Instead, it is the aspiration of being the eye of the storm, i.e. a state of grounded presence that radiates from the very core of my being.
After more than a decade of trying multiple approaches, for me, the ‘simplest’ way to practise "emergency mindfulness" is to take 5.5 breaths (one breath consists of one inhale for approximately 5.5 seconds, and one exhale for approximately 5.5 seconds) per minute. And keeping doing it until you notice the tigthening of your jaw / shoulders / chest / neck muscles etc. relaxing. If you wish to understand more about the "new science of a lost art" that is breath, check out James Nestor's book. And to ritualise these new habit, check out James Clear, one of the most accessible self-taught and self-tested framework for building healthy habits.
Wisdom (Head)
To be wise, I need three things.
❶ First, the discipline of cultivating intellectual humility (my all time favourite exercise is to deliberately go out of the way to prove myself wrong about a topic dear to my heart such as surrogacy and cyborgs) and embracing doubt (Lesley Hazleton’s TED talk on <The Doubt essential to Faith> is stirring, sublime, stunning). This is the thinking cognitive part.
❷ Second, I also need emotional courage to feel deeply (Susan David Ph.D. is a good place to start understanding how to cultivate emotional agility) and the stamina to stay with these uncomfortable feelings until it lessens. This is the embodied feeling part. Be careful though of emoting in ways that may be result in “fake compassion”.
❸ Lastly, I need the discipline of attention (this is where mindfulness plays a role) to sustain focus on doing what matters. This is the taking action, doing part. Especially in situations where the external event is protracted or is embedded in a web of unfolding events, it may not be that easy to maintain the clarity of mind and emotional stamina to sustain focused attention. So perhaps there are times where the courage to abstain from action is the wisest path of action.
🍀 As a bonus, sprinkle on this combination a healthy dose of being able to laugh at myself! Result of this mixture? Clarity of understanding, and sensing the essence of the situation. This being the precondition to assess how to meaningfully yield power.
Power (Hand)
Power is about having both the skills and the “authority” to take meaningful action. But power is tricky nowadays because unfortunately, it has become almost synonymous with identity politics which for me means that I am more sensitive as to the kind of relationship I have with the individual, and in that context, cultivating a degree of awareness whether I’m using my power (i) in a top-down fashion, which is power over; or (ii) to walk shoulder-to-shoulder, which is power with; or (iii) lending your power — in corporate speak, it’s more commonly known as empowerment — which is power to. Again, please note that these positions are described neutrally, and not intended to confer that any one is better than any other.
Skills ‘simply’ refer to whether I have the experience and/or know-how to help alleviate the suffering. “Authority” refers to whether I have a relationship, or some semblance of influence, or a formal position where my actions / words can meaningfully alter the situation for the better (but not of the knight-in-shining armour genre).
Are all three really needed?
Compassion without courage (heart) may result in robotic / timid / doubt-laced connections. Compassion without wisdom (head) may lead to reckless and impulsive solutions that doesn’t solve the actual problem. Compassion without power (hand) may lead to a sense of hopelessness and despair because I’m unable to meaningfully help. So yeah, in my experience, when mindfulness, wisdom and power comes together, it’s fertile ground for compassion to blossom and fruit.
Compassion is a conscious willingness to 1) endure with another their suffering, and then 2) to alleviate the suffering by using the most appropriate means possible, and 3) in ways that preserve the dignity of all involved (meaning you need to have an ethical position about how to be in relationship — for more on this, listen to Thupten Jinpa). Which means that compassion is neither an emotion, nor a behaviourial trait, nor an intention.
From this description, I hope it is evident that it takes:
- Courage, i.e. willingness to walk into, and sit with the pain of another, and invariably our own. This is the "heart" of compassion.
- Wisdom, i.e. clarity of perception which reveals the essence of the moment. This is the "head" of compassion.
- Power, i.e. ability to take appropriate action. This is the "hand" of compassion.
Only when all three are activated at the same time may we truly contribute to the well-being and flourishing of another human being. Very quickly, let’s dive a little deeper into what I’ve learnt (measurable in tears, therapy sessions, relationships pushed to the brink) is needed to activate each of these elements.
Courage (Heart)
Why does one fear? For me, I've come to answer this question this way, "because of all the possible futures there could be, my attention is focussed on the one that is most likely to cause me the greatest pain, as it is believed that pain avoidance is something the human race has evolved to avoid at great costs." And make no mistake that to companion another in their pain is invariably to feel the pain as if it's our own. Antidote? "Emergency" mindfulness.
Not of the “being calm in the eye of the storm” variety, which was my specialty even without mindfulness, for it is essentially being very good at putting up a facade that does not reflect the emotional turmoil raging inside. (PS. In no way am I suggesting that this is ‘bad’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘wrong’). Instead, it is the aspiration of being the eye of the storm, i.e. a state of grounded presence that radiates from the very core of my being.
After more than a decade of trying multiple approaches, for me, the ‘simplest’ way to practise "emergency mindfulness" is to take 5.5 breaths (one breath consists of one inhale for approximately 5.5 seconds, and one exhale for approximately 5.5 seconds) per minute. And keeping doing it until you notice the tigthening of your jaw / shoulders / chest / neck muscles etc. relaxing. If you wish to understand more about the "new science of a lost art" that is breath, check out James Nestor's book. And to ritualise these new habit, check out James Clear, one of the most accessible self-taught and self-tested framework for building healthy habits.
Wisdom (Head)
To be wise, I need three things.
❶ First, the discipline of cultivating intellectual humility (my all time favourite exercise is to deliberately go out of the way to prove myself wrong about a topic dear to my heart such as surrogacy and cyborgs) and embracing doubt (Lesley Hazleton’s TED talk on <The Doubt essential to Faith> is stirring, sublime, stunning). This is the thinking cognitive part.
❷ Second, I also need emotional courage to feel deeply (Susan David Ph.D. is a good place to start understanding how to cultivate emotional agility) and the stamina to stay with these uncomfortable feelings until it lessens. This is the embodied feeling part. Be careful though of emoting in ways that may be result in “fake compassion”.
❸ Lastly, I need the discipline of attention (this is where mindfulness plays a role) to sustain focus on doing what matters. This is the taking action, doing part. Especially in situations where the external event is protracted or is embedded in a web of unfolding events, it may not be that easy to maintain the clarity of mind and emotional stamina to sustain focused attention. So perhaps there are times where the courage to abstain from action is the wisest path of action.
🍀 As a bonus, sprinkle on this combination a healthy dose of being able to laugh at myself! Result of this mixture? Clarity of understanding, and sensing the essence of the situation. This being the precondition to assess how to meaningfully yield power.
Power (Hand)
Power is about having both the skills and the “authority” to take meaningful action. But power is tricky nowadays because unfortunately, it has become almost synonymous with identity politics which for me means that I am more sensitive as to the kind of relationship I have with the individual, and in that context, cultivating a degree of awareness whether I’m using my power (i) in a top-down fashion, which is power over; or (ii) to walk shoulder-to-shoulder, which is power with; or (iii) lending your power — in corporate speak, it’s more commonly known as empowerment — which is power to. Again, please note that these positions are described neutrally, and not intended to confer that any one is better than any other.
Skills ‘simply’ refer to whether I have the experience and/or know-how to help alleviate the suffering. “Authority” refers to whether I have a relationship, or some semblance of influence, or a formal position where my actions / words can meaningfully alter the situation for the better (but not of the knight-in-shining armour genre).
Are all three really needed?
Compassion without courage (heart) may result in robotic / timid / doubt-laced connections. Compassion without wisdom (head) may lead to reckless and impulsive solutions that doesn’t solve the actual problem. Compassion without power (hand) may lead to a sense of hopelessness and despair because I’m unable to meaningfully help. So yeah, in my experience, when mindfulness, wisdom and power comes together, it’s fertile ground for compassion to blossom and fruit.