What if Someone "Rejects" Your Compassion?
Step 1: This question makes sense only if you genuinely believe that you are acting with compassion in response to your perception of Alex’s suffering. Which means the first thing to do then is to check-in with yourself:
#1: Is Alex reacting because you are being “fake compassionate”? If yes, ask yourself if you have the capacity to be compassionate in that moment, because being compassionate requires courage and focus. It’s ok if you can’t, for whatever reason, in which case switch focus to just listening. If you believe you’re not being “fake compassionate”, move onto question 2.
#2: Is Alex rejecting your compassion because there is insufficient trust? If you suspect “yes”, then the most compassionate thing to do is to just listen, and let the topic naturally trail off. If you believe “no”, then it may be that the rejection is an indication that the person doesn’t want to face the suffering. In which case, you double down on the compassion, gently.
#3: Are you “interpreting” Alex’s action as rejection because of your own insecurities? Meaning, you’re expecting Alex to respond in a certain way to signal affirmation of your compassion. But there is no script, because compassion (ideally) expects no reciprocity. Yeap, it’s tough! Chances are, that in order to show compassion with no expectation of reciprocity requires a grounded sense of self.
Step 2: Assuming you’re not being fake compassionate, that there is sufficient trust, and you’re not expecting any reciprocity, the next step is to name the displayed emotion which led you to believe Alex is rejecting you, e.g. “Alex, it seems that you are upset / angry / frustrated / impatient (choose one word)”. Three things to note about this sentence:
#1: The word “seems” denote that you are guessing, i.e. this is not about you getting it right. Instead, it’s about you communicating that you are present and engaged and focused on the human being in front of you, that you “see” them. It has the added advantage of naming the emotion so it has a chance to be defused (more on this later).
Use the word “seems” even if there’s an outright verbal rejection such as “I don’t need your f***ing compassion”, because you honestly have no idea what’s behind the words. We have a hard enough time knowing our own emotions, let alone others! So the best we can ever do when it comes to other people, is to make the most educated guess possible, and allow for the possibility of being wrong.
#2: The absence of the word “I” suggest that you are trying to avoid making the conversation about you, i.e. this minimises the chances of the other party interpreting that you’ve taken offense and either feel guilty and/or to take offense that you’ve taken offense.
#3: The absence of “I’m sorry” because quite simply, you are not responsible for how others interpret your action and how they feel in response. You are absolutely responsible for trying your best to be kind, wise, attentive etc. But sometimes, no matter what you try, the other person will think the worst of you. So, focus on what you can control, aka yourself.
Step 3: And the last thing you do, depending on the context (how close are you with this individual, how much time you have, what state of mind the person is in, what state of mind you are in, the nature of the suffering), is to ask Alex how they want to be supported, e.g.:
#1: “Alex, it seems that you’re frustrated. [pause] Is there any way I can support you at this moment?” Note: this question communicates the boundary of time in that you’re expressing your willingness to do something “now”, and perhaps not later.
#2: “Alex, it seems that you’re angry. It’s not my intention to make you feel worse. Can you tell me how best I can help?” Note: this question opens up the possibility for Alex to enlist your help in solving the problem itself, and not just helping Alex to solve the problem.
#3: “Alex, it seems that you’re upset. [pause] What can I say next that would be helpful?” Note: This is an attempt to help Alex soothe themselves by inviting their own wisdom, and you are serving as a mirror. Which means that you will repeat back whatever Alex asks of you, with no judgment. I usually followup after some moment of silence by asking either a) with humour, “is it working?”, or b) with tenderness, “how do you feel hearing that?”
In Parting: Tone
Just like music, I can mechanically play the notes to perfection, but without emotionality, it’s likely to be flat and soulless. Or I can infuse the notes with intent, with heart. Oftentimes, when musicians infuse every note with humanity, their being, even if they do make a mistake, the audience doesn’t mind. Thus, what heart is to music, tone is to words.
For it is the timbre of the human voice that carries the spirit of intention.
And it’s ok to check-in with Alex at a later time. Though try to remember that showing another person compassion is not about you. It’s a gift freely given with no expectation of reciprocity.
Step 1: This question makes sense only if you genuinely believe that you are acting with compassion in response to your perception of Alex’s suffering. Which means the first thing to do then is to check-in with yourself:
#1: Is Alex reacting because you are being “fake compassionate”? If yes, ask yourself if you have the capacity to be compassionate in that moment, because being compassionate requires courage and focus. It’s ok if you can’t, for whatever reason, in which case switch focus to just listening. If you believe you’re not being “fake compassionate”, move onto question 2.
#2: Is Alex rejecting your compassion because there is insufficient trust? If you suspect “yes”, then the most compassionate thing to do is to just listen, and let the topic naturally trail off. If you believe “no”, then it may be that the rejection is an indication that the person doesn’t want to face the suffering. In which case, you double down on the compassion, gently.
#3: Are you “interpreting” Alex’s action as rejection because of your own insecurities? Meaning, you’re expecting Alex to respond in a certain way to signal affirmation of your compassion. But there is no script, because compassion (ideally) expects no reciprocity. Yeap, it’s tough! Chances are, that in order to show compassion with no expectation of reciprocity requires a grounded sense of self.
Step 2: Assuming you’re not being fake compassionate, that there is sufficient trust, and you’re not expecting any reciprocity, the next step is to name the displayed emotion which led you to believe Alex is rejecting you, e.g. “Alex, it seems that you are upset / angry / frustrated / impatient (choose one word)”. Three things to note about this sentence:
#1: The word “seems” denote that you are guessing, i.e. this is not about you getting it right. Instead, it’s about you communicating that you are present and engaged and focused on the human being in front of you, that you “see” them. It has the added advantage of naming the emotion so it has a chance to be defused (more on this later).
Use the word “seems” even if there’s an outright verbal rejection such as “I don’t need your f***ing compassion”, because you honestly have no idea what’s behind the words. We have a hard enough time knowing our own emotions, let alone others! So the best we can ever do when it comes to other people, is to make the most educated guess possible, and allow for the possibility of being wrong.
#2: The absence of the word “I” suggest that you are trying to avoid making the conversation about you, i.e. this minimises the chances of the other party interpreting that you’ve taken offense and either feel guilty and/or to take offense that you’ve taken offense.
#3: The absence of “I’m sorry” because quite simply, you are not responsible for how others interpret your action and how they feel in response. You are absolutely responsible for trying your best to be kind, wise, attentive etc. But sometimes, no matter what you try, the other person will think the worst of you. So, focus on what you can control, aka yourself.
Step 3: And the last thing you do, depending on the context (how close are you with this individual, how much time you have, what state of mind the person is in, what state of mind you are in, the nature of the suffering), is to ask Alex how they want to be supported, e.g.:
#1: “Alex, it seems that you’re frustrated. [pause] Is there any way I can support you at this moment?” Note: this question communicates the boundary of time in that you’re expressing your willingness to do something “now”, and perhaps not later.
#2: “Alex, it seems that you’re angry. It’s not my intention to make you feel worse. Can you tell me how best I can help?” Note: this question opens up the possibility for Alex to enlist your help in solving the problem itself, and not just helping Alex to solve the problem.
#3: “Alex, it seems that you’re upset. [pause] What can I say next that would be helpful?” Note: This is an attempt to help Alex soothe themselves by inviting their own wisdom, and you are serving as a mirror. Which means that you will repeat back whatever Alex asks of you, with no judgment. I usually followup after some moment of silence by asking either a) with humour, “is it working?”, or b) with tenderness, “how do you feel hearing that?”
In Parting: Tone
Just like music, I can mechanically play the notes to perfection, but without emotionality, it’s likely to be flat and soulless. Or I can infuse the notes with intent, with heart. Oftentimes, when musicians infuse every note with humanity, their being, even if they do make a mistake, the audience doesn’t mind. Thus, what heart is to music, tone is to words.
For it is the timbre of the human voice that carries the spirit of intention.
And it’s ok to check-in with Alex at a later time. Though try to remember that showing another person compassion is not about you. It’s a gift freely given with no expectation of reciprocity.